Pure Morning,

Disenchanted.

This feeling creeps in unknowingly at times in the past.
Now its just getting a bit out of hand.
Occasionally to frequently.
Haven't had proper sleep for such a long time.
Just 4 maybe 5 hours a day.
Sleeping at 6 in the morning.

I dream a lot more though.
But its all but killing me.
I wake up lost.
Not knowing whether I rather be back there or back here.
Plans are crumbling down faster than before.

It's somewhat beyond laziness.
More of being resigned to fate.
After so much,
Somewhat fate is just asking(begging) to be acknowledged.

My mental state is crumbling.
Juggling people and my inner demons.
My insecurities.
My believes.
My ideals.
My principles.
My conscience.
My emotions.

Everything is seemingly at war with each other.
Refusing one another's survival.

I'm just degenerating away on the inside.

I never knew it would be this hard to live.

My mistakes.
Or rather wrong choices of actions,
Words have galloped me forward into this position - I am at right now.
I can't buy time,
I can't reverse time.

I'm not happy.

I can't even share the reasons with anybody.
There's so much inside me begging to be released.
The past 4 years was perhaps mainly misery.

I got used to it,
Being mainly on the short end of the stick.
I thought it was alright,
I've got a big heart.
Taking it all in,
Keeping them to myself and just smile.
Finally I've reached my limits.
Betrayed and shoved away,
I swore to be different from before.
I hate my own smile.
I hate people.
I hate my own ignorance.
I hate being good.
I hate my conscience,
Along with my morals.

And then I really lost myself in my darkness.
This possession of the mind,
It's purging everything of colours and beauty.
I detest human beings.
Being wary of them.
Never opening myself to them.
Afraid I might make the same mistakes as before.

I just want to find somebody.
And when I do,
She needs to know how special she really is.

To fill this void in my heart and lift the darkness shrouding my mind.
To see this world for what it's really worth.

Because right now,
I'm just so disenchanted.
Fuck this life.

Simplest wish perhaps?
To fall asleep and wake up with a smile knowing the day ahead is going to be great.

Just one day.
Without worries.
Without paranoia.
Just wild fun.

Then perhaps I'll feel alive.
Primary school days.
.................
Song:
Placebo - Pure Morning
&
Placebo - The Bitter End
..................
This post is a mess but,
Editing will just change everything.
This is my thought process,
Raw.
Revealed rather more,
But I need to get something out.
I'm going insane.




(I want to bury myself.
Suffocate and try to get out.

Reborn maybe?)