The Aureolin Inquisition ☮

Abhor.

2012-01-30T10:25:00.002+08:00

Fucking fucking hell.
Shit loads of projects.
Never ending shit streaming towards me.

Longed for the best semester from myself.
But now just seemingly can't wait for school to be over.

Down on luck terribly.

And seem to be running out of cigarettes too often.

TRAVELS.

2011-12-28T00:11:00.004+08:00

A tremendous impulse to hold you and just tell you that you know absolutely nothing.
I'll tremble in a catatonic state and bite down upon your neck to stop myself from screaming out hate.

Then when I'm better I just want you to push me away.

But please don't turn away before I do.
..................................
Another Christmas another year.
No.1 is one scary pill.
Jesus fucking christ of a morning.
................................
The Freudian Slip - Positive Negative

WE.

2011-12-01T20:40:00.002+08:00

Regenerate.
Regenesis.

Somehow I've lost interest in almost everything.
Somehow I've forgotten what's it like to be interested in anything at all.
Self destruction.
Self salvation.
Aren't they all the same?

You can't have the best of both worlds.
So tell me again,
Why's your vision of a better world different from mine?
What defines normality?
What defines criminal?

What made you and me this way?
Why the separation in ideals?
What happened?
...........................
Huge bursts of emotions,
They wash down upon me.
There's so much sadness in a moment of silence.
As the terrible waves of pain makes me retch.
I curl up with my thighs to my chest.
Feeling the ebbs of pain through my abdomen.
I rush to down the black charcoal pills and ibuprofen.
The pills only made it halfway down before my gag reflex rejected them out.
I sprawled out over the kitchen feeling more faint than ever.

An hour later I was on the couch reading a book and watching the television at the same time.
Both depressed me rather badly and I was struggling with my tears.
I put down the book and focused on the music channel.
I lowered the volume and went back to my book.
The same.
I switched channels.
I picked up a magazine.
The same.

There's no lack of happiness and joy.
But rather the lack of empathy towards the two.
The waves of sadness came and go.
Came and go.
Periods of mild.
Periods of extreme.

I feel faint.
I feel sick.

But I feel more alive than ever.
Losing touch with people.
Losing the connection among human beings.

It all seems so alright nowadays having nothing.
Nobody.
I never really liked talking.
But i talked too much being mainly obligated to talk.
Somehow to show people how normal I can be.
I enjoy silence.
But people define it as awkward silences.
Silences can be comfortable.
But my reformed by the society and the world around.
Me too felt that amongst man,
Silence should be minimal.
Silence breeds awkwardness.
Silence is a sign of incompatibility.

It's like smiles.
People like smiling.
They said,
You should smile.
Smiling is good.
Smile more.
Smiling means more than that.
Some people have the same smile all the time.
You go right left.
Right left.
Right left.
Right right right right.
Left left left left.
And the pictures they are the same.
The pictures are the same.
You look the same in every photograph.

What defines normal?
Am I normal?
I think a whole shit load.
I bet you too.

You have your wants and needs from this world.
So do I?
You have your fantasies?
So do I.

What happened to this world?
Why the ostracising?
Why the rejection of my way of living?
Why are yours facts and mine opinions?
What makes you right and me wrong?

I'd cry and cry and cry.
I'd keep myself away and away.

It's always the same thing.
I can accept people.
Why can't people accept me.

Sadness:
The throbbing feeling rising up midway from my throat as I try to suppress it down.
The welling up of tears at the corner of my eyes.
The tensing of the muscles beside the eyes.
Eyebrows bearing down upon hard.
Mouth clenched up.
My heart feels a sourish feeling everytime it beats.
Struggling to work the blood around the body.
The tightening of the skull around my brain.
Seems to be easier to hold my breath than to breathe.
My chest muscles clench up as though anticipating a hit.
Bearing against the pain.

Antechamber.

2011-11-08T21:20:00.004+08:00

As I wonder pass this turn once again,
I'm reminded of all the things behind.
All the same flaws and the same sensations.
Always falling for the same situations.
Maiming my soul for another sin,
Another century in burning land.
I hold my hands high praying for salvation,
I hang my head low in locked submission.
This isn't the time to be where I am at,
I have to get out of this syncope,
And when I do wake,
I hope its true.
..............
Solace in silence.

CHASM.

2011-09-24T05:23:00.003+08:00

To be destroyed and buried,
I fade fast and away.
This isn't time but I changed,
This fall isn't harder,
I sink down fast anyway.

This isn't you and me,
I say come on close.
This isn't the very end,
Never to stop again.
So long to your dreams and fears.

So into the darkness,
Of this mellow path,
I trod and I grind.
Never so deep and far,
Have I lost myself,
Exploring that which has no ends.

One tunnel too many,
I've found myself astray from right,
Far have I come to turn behind.
Wandering along in blinded faith,
Turning towards a sullen path,
I've killed my own chances.

They say all the world's a stage,
But whom can stand in shining light?
The tears I've shed and the lies I've spun,
They buy no role in the world tomorrow.
.....................
Working at loof just gives me so much insight into life.

Mankind.
Homo Sapiens.
Human.

What makes one so arrogant,
Another so humble?

Looks.
Money.
Status.
...................
Poison eyes.
People with poison eyes.

I can't seem to keep eye contact with them,
Despite how wonderfully well I'm entertaining them.

Poison fucking eyes of schemes.

You are destruction.
For you are false and lies.

Eyes are window to the soul.

And there are so many ugly souls.
...................
Your poison.
Your poison.
Your poison.
Running through my veins.

Too many pretty faces.
Poisonous eyes.
Poison.
Fucking poison.

Venomous.

DEMYSTIFY.

2011-09-21T18:35:00.002+08:00

I close my eyes and think of home,
Another city goes by in the night.
Ain't it funny how it is,
You'd never miss it till it's gone away,
And my heart is lying there and will be till my dying day.

So understand,
Don't waste your time searching for those wasted years.
Face up.
Make your stand.
And realise you're living in the golden years.

Iron Maiden - Wasted Years.
.................................
Isn't it time?

I am my own greatest disappointment.
I am a product of my own creation.Des
So thus I fall,
I have but my own fate to hold.

It's going to be fine.

AIR.AROUND.

2011-09-19T05:26:00.002+08:00

It's a lonely thing,
Awake late at night.

There's so many things I'd like to say,
But never once have I had the courage to pour them out.
I'd rather build walls around,
Blame every other thing,
Every other person.

I keep them all inside me,
Occasionally cracking apart and loosing some parts of me.

I disappoint people,
Break their hearts,
Shatter their faith.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just want to be alone.
Really alone,
In my room.

I'm sorta used to it?
Maybe.
....................
I've found myself a job.
I'm going to have a cat!
Courtesy of JX.
I've gotta focus on my art.

Everything is changing for me.
The only constant is change.

Jolly well,
Move with the times.

Hah.
I'm changing.

GREEN.

2011-09-05T10:10:00.005+08:00

Exhausted,
And everything bad.

I forgot how easy was it for me to be disappointed.

Life isn't easy,
Because we have expectations.

Expectations.
Greed.
Demand.

I want to be alone again,
For awhile,
Away from people.

Sink into thoughts.
There's this void within.

It's there.

MOMENTS.

2011-08-26T20:44:00.003+08:00

Give me everything tonight,
For all we know we might not get tomorrow.
Pitbull - Give me everything
...............................
Intense.
Intense.
Intense.
Intense.
Intense.

A radiant sky above the sullen clouds.
The calm above the storm.
With hopes so obscured,
We have to rise above.
The clarity so immense,
We forget the darkest days.

A rainbow tainted room,
Painted lies across the walls.
The misery behind the crayons,
Our void filled with violence.
We instil fear into all for obedience.
Lighting the room with dark red blood.
Drying into brown,
We cower,
We fear.
We run,
We hide.

We fear ourselves.
Our black,
Cold,
Heart.

40 NIGHTS.

2011-08-11T21:47:00.007+08:00

(Do you ever wonder?)

(I) D I F F E R E N C E S

Knowing too much,
Fearing too much.
Held back by it all,
Too afraid to go against the grain.
Afraid to walk the path -
The path trodden by those before us.
Their blood, tears, sweat staining us through story recitals.
Knowledge, experience and everything precious.
All points towards an easier life.
Through years of education,
Towards years of administration.

Dreams and aspirations fading with our hairlines.
We grind ourselves to the bone in pursuit of greater economies.
Hiding our discontentment behind our wallets.
Then comes a day when we shall pass too,
Wealth and power being of little use to buy time,
Realising what empty beings we all became.

(II) I N N O C E N C E

Gone with those before us as they pass:
Skills and practicality.
We become partial machines,
Integrated among them,
We lose our minds to them.
Factories replace workshops.
Machinery replaces hands.

Gone with those before us as they pass:
Pride in our humanity.

Consumed by excess consumerism,
We take the world apart,
Building and making things we do not need;
Selling to people* who do not need.

*People who work to purchase things they do not need.

More emotions towards animal cruelty,
Than the very ugly humanity -
One which lacks compassion towards fellow human beings.
One which starts pointless wars.
One which manifests all seven sins.
One which is destroying the world.

We save the world differently now.

Do you ever wonder?

What became of us?(Humans)

(III) R E V E L A T I O N S

I'll take away everything,
I'll become nothing once again.
Walk my own path,
Leave my own imprint.

First,
We leave safe shores.

It's alright to be afraid.
It's alright.
Keeps us on the edge.
Keeps us prepared.

Forget past promises you know you can't keep.

Stop trying to cling on to them.

They will destroy your mind.

Make new ones and hold true to them.

We'll survive.
We'll survive while the world burns.
We'll survive.
We'll survive while the world sinks.
We'll survive.

I'll make it.
This way or another.
Not running to impress.
But running to live.

See you all in the future!

(IV) P R E L U D E

Took me awhile to tidy up the post,

The word count exceeded a thousand.

So I removed more than half of it.

They were all footnotes describing my writings –

Differences, Innocence, Revelations.

However after releasing them last night,

I was horrified by the amount of detailing I gave.

I deleted them all although it pains me to do so.

Instead however I wrote a Prelude.

I’m happy with how this post came out although some people might have already seen the full post before I edited it.

There’s just too much emotions contained within.

Mainly excitement at understanding so much more.

Alchemy.

2011-08-08T01:49:00.002+08:00

To gain what I cannot.
To gain with less than required.

Greed.
............
19.

FUEL.

2011-07-27T18:08:00.003+08:00

I have the spark.

I have the life.

Now time to start the burn.

A candle ignites,
Illuminates the night.

I'll run as fast as I can.

I'll reach the edge before my end.

I'll be the brightest light in the night.

I am the most fragile source of light.

I shall flicker,

I shall waver.

I'll remain lit,

I'll remain bright,

Until my time is up,

I'll allow all to see,

In the night as though the day.

Then I shall fade,

Extinguished.

(Edited Saturday July 30th 2011, 5.11am)

BEAM.

2011-07-21T00:06:00.004+08:00

If only they could see,
If only they had been here,
They would understand how someone could have chosen.
To go the length I've gone,
To spend just one day riding,
Holding on to you.
I never though it'd be this clear.

King of Convenience - Cayman Islands
..................
Futoshi Matsunaga.
..................

MOTA.ATOM.

2011-07-18T02:25:00.003+08:00

I love the internet.
........
The key to happiness.

Somehow lies so close to the lock.

The lock.

All our secrets.
Troubles.
Shameful things.
Suppressed memories.
Regrets.

The key to happiness.
When we unlock the lock,
Release all that is contained within.
Let the happiness bloom.
We'll finally know what is being alive.

Synonymously.
The key to happiness,
Is just someone close.
Someone whom they can disclose it all.
And relief themselves of the burden.

Best friends.
Lover.
Family.

We always keep something from one another.

Our search is for someone whom we can break boundaries together.
Shatter the walls.
And bathe in truth.
Someone to be ourself with.
No lies.
No concealment.
No deception.
No denials.

Life is just complicated.
So is love.
Deleted pointless words &
Edited - Tuesday July 19 2011 12.49AM

Morte.

2011-07-12T11:12:00.002+08:00

Loneliness is not lack of company,
Loneliness is lack of purpose.

-Guillermo Maldonado

How few many ever understands this.
And they speak like they do.

Laughable but alas,
That's life for you.

We are all but mortal.

Pure Morning,

2011-07-11T21:58:00.003+08:00

Disenchanted.

This feeling creeps in unknowingly at times in the past.
Now its just getting a bit out of hand.
Occasionally to frequently.
Haven't had proper sleep for such a long time.
Just 4 maybe 5 hours a day.
Sleeping at 6 in the morning.

I dream a lot more though.
But its all but killing me.
I wake up lost.
Not knowing whether I rather be back there or back here.
Plans are crumbling down faster than before.

It's somewhat beyond laziness.
More of being resigned to fate.
After so much,
Somewhat fate is just asking(begging) to be acknowledged.

My mental state is crumbling.
Juggling people and my inner demons.
My insecurities.
My believes.
My ideals.
My principles.
My conscience.
My emotions.

Everything is seemingly at war with each other.
Refusing one another's survival.

I'm just degenerating away on the inside.

I never knew it would be this hard to live.

My mistakes.
Or rather wrong choices of actions,
Words have galloped me forward into this position - I am at right now.
I can't buy time,
I can't reverse time.

I'm not happy.

I can't even share the reasons with anybody.
There's so much inside me begging to be released.
The past 4 years was perhaps mainly misery.

I got used to it,
Being mainly on the short end of the stick.
I thought it was alright,
I've got a big heart.
Taking it all in,
Keeping them to myself and just smile.
Finally I've reached my limits.
Betrayed and shoved away,
I swore to be different from before.
I hate my own smile.
I hate people.
I hate my own ignorance.
I hate being good.
I hate my conscience,
Along with my morals.

And then I really lost myself in my darkness.
This possession of the mind,
It's purging everything of colours and beauty.
I detest human beings.
Being wary of them.
Never opening myself to them.
Afraid I might make the same mistakes as before.

I just want to find somebody.
And when I do,
She needs to know how special she really is.

To fill this void in my heart and lift the darkness shrouding my mind.
To see this world for what it's really worth.

Because right now,
I'm just so disenchanted.
Fuck this life.

Simplest wish perhaps?
To fall asleep and wake up with a smile knowing the day ahead is going to be great.

Just one day.
Without worries.
Without paranoia.
Just wild fun.

Then perhaps I'll feel alive.
Primary school days.
.................
Song:
Placebo - Pure Morning
&
Placebo - The Bitter End
..................
This post is a mess but,
Editing will just change everything.
This is my thought process,
Raw.
Revealed rather more,
But I need to get something out.
I'm going insane.

(I want to bury myself.
Suffocate and try to get out.

Reborn maybe?)

Hey Gorgeous,

2011-07-09T14:29:00.003+08:00

"I have worn so many masks in my life that quite often,

I find myself forgetting who I really am.

I possess a spectrum of personalities because my life has been

interrupted so many times that my experiences are never linear.

They are diverse and disconnected.

I have a mask for every occasion"
-emancipatedchic.bs

This girl is so fucking special.
It was quite a heartache to see her leave albeit sometime ago.
But that makes her twice as special.

Memories are so amazing ain't it so?
Most of if are beautiful and that's what make current lives feel like shit.
Past times just seem that much more beautiful.
..................
I'm always letting people leave and go,
When I don't want to.

Being alone:
Not worrying about the feelings of others.
Living for yourself.
Not having a chance to be disappointed by others.

But the bottomline is that,
It's loneliness.
.................
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
MGMT - Of Moons, Birds and Monster
Skidrow - 18 and Life
Gary Moore - Separate Ways
Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
Adele - Rolling in the Deep
Dead By Sunrise - In the Darkness

On repeat and repeat.

LIGHT.THIS.UP.

2011-07-03T23:43:00.002+08:00

Hush hush.
I'm so tired.

It's like the touch of red amongst the green.
The splash of white into the sea of black.
So much influence,
So much difference.

The little noticeable things.

Methamphetamine.
Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
Tetrahydrocannabinol.

IMAGINATIONS.

2011-06-29T00:56:00.003+08:00

Are you mad at your walls?
Or hoping that an unknown force can repair things for you?

Pardon all the time that you've thrown into your pale grey garden.
If the ship will never come you've got to move along.

Even a bird would want a taste of dirt from abyssal dark.

MGMT - Of Moons, Birds & Monsters.
..............
So tender inside,
My eyes have changed.
And as I move away from this empty hovel,
I start to realise all the small things.

All so small,
So vague.

My dance,
Choreographed with lucid memories,
Is but a nonchalant slide to the grave.
..............
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Delusional.
Delusional.
Delusional.
Delusional.
Delusional.
Sinner.
Sinner.
Sinner.
Sinner.
Sinner.
Sinner.
Betrayer.
Betrayer.
Betrayer.
Betrayer.
Betrayer.
Backstabber.
Backstabber.
Backstabber.
Backstabber.
Backstabber.

Are(n't) you?

PERHAPS.

2011-06-19T08:55:00.004+08:00

I'm just tired.
Why can't you see it?
I don't even know what I did,
What fury I incurred just by politely ending the conversation.
Just by giving up the conversation.

Do as you wish.
Say as you wish.
Judge as you wish.
Condemn as you wish.

If that's how you think,
It's alright.
Thanks a million anyway.
But yes,
It might be that simple.
But again,
It might not.

Adios.

Perhaps,
This is what it means to let go.

"
Why do you built walls around yourself and separate yourself from others?
Sometimes,
Walls are built up by people, ourselves.
Yes.
Not to keep people away.
But to see who bothers to break them down.
"